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Some times as I am reading through my original manuscript here, I just shake my head.  Some of the language seems so awkward.  I read it and I ask myself “Did I really write that?”  Some folks have told me that this story is great.  I remember that when I wrote it, I thought it was great stuff (and I imagine I did a little editing as I typed it up).  When I compare it to my writing today, it seems choppy and confused.  Seriously.

Anyway, I should have shown Kirk’s frustration and exasperation with a sigh.  His shoulders should have heaved.  He should have grimaced and bitten back a scream of frustration.  That’s the kind of thing I do these days to add emotion (you know, “Show, don’t tell…”)

I guess what I am really saying here is that if you haven’t read my first book in the Vergrinn War series, you ought to – I have it free as a PDF here on my blog and I LOVE to get feedback.  If you think this Star Trek story is halfway decent, please believe that the narrative, characters, and everything else flow MUCH better in my more recent work.  Go over to Amazon and check out the reviews.  I don’t even know all of those people (but I will admit I know some of them – I know the 4 star reviewer but I don’t know all the 5 star reviewers – crazy…).

And now, the next installment of that story I wrote way back when…

“Well, Captain, the warp drive is irreparably damaged.  Impulse power won’t be operative for several hours.  We can fire phasers with the batteries, but we wouldn’t be able to do that and maintain life support for very long.”

As Kirk surveyed the bridge, he was numbed by the chaos he faced.  Sulu lay dead, buried under the fused fragments of the helm console which had exploded during the attack.  Chekov, next to him, could only be determined to be alive by the low moans emanating from Kirk’s right.  Kirk’s yeoman was dead at the environmental support station.  “Chief Sterling, please report to the bridge,” he said, cutting off the connection before she could object.

The attack had been brilliant, Kirk had to admit.  The Romulans knew the Federation wouldn’t allow sentient beings to die if they could prevent it.  The Romulans also clearly understood that they could use Kirk more easily alive than dead; a prisoner to parade around at home was far better for morale than a corpse.  The ship could be dismantled and the Federation’s top technology would belong to the Romulans.  The crew would not be able to withstand a mind sifter or any of the other Romulan torture devices.  Kirk was utterly without hope.

“Sir,” Uhura’s voice broke into his thoughts.  “The Romulan commander wishes to speak with you.”

“Put him on screen,” Kirk said.  When the image finally came through, Kirk gasped audibly.

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